I’m so used to carrying around a backpack I’ll probably still be carrying one when I’m a 40 year old professional.

Apparently once when I was little my dad accidentally hit me in the eye and then a week later we were in public and I was like “DADDY REMEMBER WHEN YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE????” really loudly and my dad made us leave because people were giving him dirty looks.

Are you an Iraqi dictator because SaDAMNNNNNN you’re cute.

“The name’s Dammit. God Dammit.”

All the states in the Midwest should combine to form one giant state because it’s not like anyone cares about that region anyway. 

Thank God the directions tell you to take the mac n cheese OUT of the box before putting it in the oven I dunno what I would have done otherwise.

If the answers are in the back of the book what is the probability that I will actually do the work myself?

Answer: There is a 0% chance

Yo man this beat is phat!!!! I think it needs to go on a diet and get started on a weight loss plan.

Victoria’s Secret is that all her clothes are made out of human hair.

“I save money on food by being full of myself.”